Goodbye Blue

The Big C

Well it appears as though the big C-word will be making a come-back into my life. The C-word is of course cancer. When you're young you think of cancer as an older person disease. Sure there are case when it hits kids, but I figured it'd come to me in the fall of my life, not the summer. I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid cancer in May of 2008. The fine needle biopsy came back negative, but the doctor that I had do the biopsy was still concerned. So, he did a complete thryoid removal and found out I had cancer in both lobes of the thyroid. I've been on thyroid replacement horomones since. I had an ultra sound on my throat a few weks ago and the are 3 new tumors in my neck. I am still waiting on biopsy results (my endo doc is slow). But, he is sure it cancer again. So, what do I do? He has talked of cutting me open again and having all 3 tumors removed. He used the term "cherry picking" to describe the process of cutting me open every so often and getting tumors out as they pop-up. I'm not too keen on this idea. I don't want 10 scars on my neck. Turtle neck sweaters and shirts have not been in style for years. They way I see it I have 3 options and they all suck. I can opt for 10 scars, stop taking thyroid meds, or I can decline all surgerical options. The last 2 will mean death. Lack of meds will cause congestive heart failure. To decline all surgeries would lead to eventual spreading of the cancer into lymph nodes and other organs. At what point do you say, "screw-it". I've done all I wanted to do in life except have kids of my own and I am past that point. Life isn't very much fun anymore. I've always told my wife if I got a terminal cancer I would decline chemo and just head-off quietly into the night. Maybe once I finish my bucket list, I may go that route. Yes folks, my next blog will contain my list of things to do before I die. I'll start with 100 hundred in my mind and have it down to 50 for my blog. Welcome back cancer.

Emasculation (PG rating)

This blog is about my emasculation. Emasculation is defined as castration or being deprived of strength and/or vigor. The people in the house that I live in have been working on my emasculation for about the last 8 yrs. I believe at first it was unintentional then it became just a daily occurrence. Now they seem to delight in it. When a grown man isn't in control of the house he lives in and when he is helping pay the bills, feed, clothe, and shelter those in the house it emasculates him. My step-son is doing things that are putting my job, his health, and the health of his son in jeopardy. I voice my opinion and then am reminded that I have no balls. I do not want a divorce, but I may have to. I was going to move out if the acts continued, but was told if I move out to go ahead and divorce. At what point do I man-up and hit the road. If I didn't love my wife, I'd have been gone yrs ago. I have kept all of my vows thus far. I haven't cheated, have been here for her in sickness, and etc. I will get my balls back again some day and when I do it'll be like Sherman going thru Atlanta. I'll burn everything in my path, metaphorically speaking of course.

Anniversary

Yesterday was our 8th anniversary. I stopped and got a card on the way home from work and signed it as our 7th. 8 yrs have gone by so fast. My 2 previous marriages had never made it past yr 6. That is why, I guess it seemed like 7 years. Or, was there a year that I felt detached, which is kind of a segway into today's ramble. Married people often do things to get back at one another. I am just as guilty as the next person and I admit it. It is something I have carried over since my first marriage. I felt like she (#1) cheated on me so I returned the favor. It hasn't came to that in current marriage, but there are times when I do or say something that I know hurts or makes her angry. It is just a retaliation strike. I have gotten a little better these past couple of years. It is a vicious game that no one wins. For instance, I don't wear my wedding band. I do that as a retaliatory strike. I got home from work last night and checked out twitter. Sure enough she had tweeted on "our day". It made me furious, although I tried to keep emotions in-check. I reluctantly put the ring on for just one night and will take it off today. One day I would love to stop acting this way. But, I have to have assurances she will do the same. I love her and am committed to her. I have taken my vows very seriously. I just don't want the little strikes back and forth to lead to an emotional nuclear war in which there will be no winners and another marriage in ruins.

Big Brother/Sister

It's been a while. So, it is time to jump back into the ring. I have an orientation this afternoon w/Big Brothers/Sisters. I've been wanting to do this for the past few years. I have a lot of love and compassion and no one to share it with. Yes, that sounds rather sad considering I am married and have a step-son. But, sometimes you have things and in the words of a George Strait song "you can't even give it away". I am looking forward to being a role model and think I could do a great job. When I first considered it, I thought to myself "they better give me a white kid". Now, it doesn't matter. There would be odd situations, but I could handle it. I look it as if it will be a surprise gift. If all works out I'll blog after first outing with my "little". This could be what I need to get a little lift into my life. I assume my step-son will look into the way I react with my little and see what he missed over the years. I was once not wanting to even think about 2010. But, now I'll be a "big brother" and a papaw. And maybe if someone stops their "single behavior" I'll continue to be a husband and not just a renter.

Back from vacation

Just got back from vacation last night. Fly thru ATL via Munich, Germany and of course was late getting to ATL and missed the connecting flight. So, we had to go thru the hassle of re-booking. However, we made it to our desired location about 4 hrs late with no luggage. The good news was that the people we rented from spoke fluent English and helped retrieve our luggage. I just wanted share some things form my trip. This was second trip to Germany. The first one wasn't for me it was to meet up w/wife and step-son after a WWII tour so they could see more of German countryside.
Most folks in the Bavaria region of Germany speak very good English, if prompted. We only got lost a few times in Austria, my fault of course. I prefer to travel without tour guides for various reasons. But, I also have bad senses of direction. So, this made for plenty of arguments. A trip that was supposed to bring us back together only seemed to widen the fault-line in a fragile marriage. There was not a day went by that we didn't argue. I just keep waiting a try not to think about the argument (quake) that will destroy us.
Alright enough of bad news. I got to see Innsbruck and Salzburg, Austria. Both were some of the most beautiful and clean cities I have ever been to. I went up to the Eagle's Nest in Berchesgaden, Germany. It was Hitler's guest house during the war. The most eye-opening part of the trip was the visit of Dachau. It was a huge concentration camp used in WWII. it still had the gas chambers and ovens. It is a very emotional place. My first emotion was sadness for all of the people dying for an evil cause. Towards the end my emotion turned into anger. How did the world not know millions of people were being exterminated? I think they did and turned a blind eye till guilt took over. We will one day pay for letting God's chosen people suffer so long.
The trip back was almost as bad. Delayed in ATL because of weather. But, the silver lining in the clouds was I got bumped and got comped 4 drinks and 400 bonus mile for a free trip. Anyhow, if those who have never been to the Bavaria area of Germany ever get a chance to go, I highly recommend it.

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